


The Scented Pleasure Garden

by HASA_Archivist



Category: The Lord of the Rings - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: First Age, Humor, Please do not plant in plots that are in close proximity to Morgoth shrubs or any blooms that were, including Urukhai-white hands. Do not plant alongside plants from Fingolfinopsida or Finarfinopsida
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2008-05-02
Packaged: 2018-03-22 22:19:05
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 13,302
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3745444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HASA_Archivist/pseuds/HASA_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Another very irreverent and heretical look at my favorite Silmarillion elves in terms of their "horticultural" potential. Has very strong sexual innuendo and adult language.  You have been warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Fëanariopsida

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the HASA Transition Team: This story was originally archived at [HASA](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Henneth_Ann%C3%BBn_Story_Archive), which closed in February 2015. To preserve the archive, we began manually importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in February 2015. We posted announcements about the move, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this author, please contact The HASA Transition Team using the e-mail address on the [HASA collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/hasa/profile).

I was inspired by a thick gardening book on Roses I saw in the bookstore earlier and could not help but taking another swipe at my favorite elf muses. No offense is meant to anyone else, except to the House of Fëanor!

_HairCommander_ \- Fingon; _IronNoble_ \- Angrod;  _Silverfist_ \- Celebrimbor

From Dictionary.com:    
Bumper crop -  an unusually large crop growth and harvest  
Cash crop – any crop that is considered as easily marketable such as wheat or cotton

\----------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
 **Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!**   
  
  
  
We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions and races of Arda.   
  
  
  
This hobby will yield several hours of loud moaning, toe-curling and explosive pleasure.   
  
(Note: It will not, however, help you promote world peace, banish diseases or help you win the Nobel Peace Prize, but no promises were made in that quarter.)  
  
  
  
Just follow our **Steps for Success** and you're on your way!  
  
  
  
First. Select a plot. A plot that works for you. But remember, that there can never be a perfect plot, which is why "fan-fiction manuals" abound. There are several varieties of plot: Fanon, Canon, Mixed or Filler.  
  
  
  
 **Fanon** – are usually preferred by beginners who are too lazy to read the grower's manuals.   
  
Pros: Has very large capacity for creativity  
  
Cons: Sometimes results in extremely mutated versions of plants (i.e. _orc brambles_ ); or highly unlikely " _AU_ " varieties (i.e. neon blue leaves, _platinum blond and meek_ Fëanor Blackhornies). Highly susceptible to " _flamers_ " (fire-breathing plant pests).   
  
  
  
**Canon** \-- can only be used by the original plot owners (who are very few)   
  
Pros: Has limited room for creativity as it often has set, stifling borders. Much like a corset.   
  
Cons: Low or almost non-existent incidence of flamers affliction, but not so fun. Defeats the purpose of "fan-fiction manuals".  
  
  
  
 **Mixed/Filler** \-- the favorite of most growers, as it offers creativity but does not stifle.   
  
Pros: Very resistant to "flamers"  
  
Cons: May be intimidating or confusing for beginners as it is difficult to balance fanon vs. canon concentration in the soil. Sometimes results in mild to violent infestation of " **Mary Sue** " WildFlowers, a kind of weed, depending on the skill of the grower/gardener.   
  
  
  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
  
For this chapter, we are featuring our favorite family, the **Fëanariopsida**. Always a popular choice for our lascivious growers especially for their prodigious procreative capacity and "in-a-blink-of-a-second" regenerative capability.   
  
  
Acres upon acres of smut, both online and offline, have been devoted to this one-of-a-kind family. Rightfully so, for they hold the untarnished reputation of producing seven wondrously formed studs from only one pair of monogamous cultivars!   
  
  
**Scientific Name**  
  
Kingdom: Royal Noldorin  
Division: Miriel  
Class: Fëanariopsida  
Order: Valinorean Quendi  
Family: Dysfunctionalensum  
  
 **Common Name**  
  
Magnificent Seven, Kinslayers, Silmaril Fixation, Stud Harem, Viagril Petals  
  
  
 **Trivia**

Used as an emblem for " _Hot Monogamy_ " Society of Arda   
  
  
This particular family of "Male" Flowers have several sub-varieties depending on the type of plot that you choose. A veritable kaleidoscope of colors are available that will suit any mood: _Humor, Angst, Science Fiction, Drama, Romance_ , and so on. The most popular though is _Erotica._ Most growers are of the opinion that that's the only thing that they are good for. But that is definitely not true, they are also good for photo ops.   
  
There are also some growers who insist on _Slash,_ but this will not yield any blooms as this particular variety are testosterone-charged and any attempt to "convert" them will only result in withered, but still elongated, stamens. More details on that below.   
  
And what's more, these blooms are not very particular about the type of plot so long as you give an inordinate amount of attention to their fair and well-formed good-looks. It is recommended that they are planted in positions that are well-exposed to sunlight or starlight although they have been known to perform well in most positions. Please see _Eldarin Kama Sutra_ for specifications.   
  
  
Exception: These plants are not suitable for **Helcaraxe** regions.  
  
  
To help the adult "Magnificent Seven" blooms stay healthy and glowing, you will need to place 3 glowing crystal balls near their roots (look at our **Super Silmaril** fertilizer balls Catalogue for prices).   
  
  
  
Warning: Please do not plant in plots that are in close proximity to _Morgoth shrubs_ or any blooms that were grafted from Indis. The Fëanariopsida family is resistant to most types of _orc-bramble_ , including _Urukhai-white hands_. Do not plant alongside plants from **Fingolfinopsida** or **Finarfinopsida** classes or face the sorry consequences.   
  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
 **Steps in Planting:**   
  
The beginning phases of growing this rare species are a bit complicated but you will soon learn that the results are well worth it.   
  
  
First, select a sturdy " _grandfather_ " stalk—regular **Finwë** varieties grown from _Cuivienien_ are the best even if they are worth a High King's ransom. You have to plant this swollen stalk in a pot and pair it with a " _grandmother_ " flower of the **Therinde** variety (not Serinde!). Any Seamstress variety wilting flower can be used as substitute since these don't last very long, withering soon after bearing the first fiery bloom.   
  
  
But do not let your hearts be troubled! You can always re-use the expensive Finwë stalk with a more sturdy if not quite anemic **Indis** (a.k.a. _Evil Step Mother plant_ ). It is the only " _bigamist"_ male stalk among all Eldarin plants.   
  
  
Finwë and Therinde will produce the very rare but outstanding **Fëanaro BlackHorny**. After this, Therinde would have withered but do not dispose of it yet! **Fëanaro BlackHorny** is a bit tricky to handle, so you will have to wrap it in the withered Therinde until it can stand on its own. (Note: There is no such variety as _Fëanaro BlondHorny_ , _Fëanaro RedHairedHorny_ or even _Fëanaro BrunetteHorny_. Any claims on the contrary are probably due to high concentrations of loose Fanon plot and low creative protein.)  
  
  
Choose an isolated corner of your garden with no other plants in the near vicinity, most especially Fingolfinopsida or Finarfinopsida classes. Better yet, place Fëanaro BlackHorny and Nerdanel in their very own garden to reduce the risks of a very gory PlantSlaying event. **You have been warned.  
**  
  
The **Fëanaro BlackHorny** should be paired with a **Nerdanel** "mother" plant even before it reaches full maturity because this male plant is particularly fond of constant, prolonged bonding. Do not graft an _Indis_ or any other female plant with the Fëanaro BlackHorny or it will turn violently carnivorous and might even chew your hands off. **You have been warned.**  
  
  
Place the two "parent" plants together by _grafting_ Nerdanel into male plant and cover immediately with an  opaque, finely-woven plant net for modesty's sake ( _yours, not theirs_ ). This should be kept around them at ALL times, except during the _birthing phase_. 

If in case the **Fëanaro BlackHorny** is afflicted with " _Oathing_ " pestilence, the Nerdanel might break off of the grafting. To avoid this, place glowing crystal balls around the plants to cure the affliction. If this pestilence goes unchecked, growers run the risk of having their vehicles, property and even their very bodies overrun by the **Fëanaro BlackHorny** or having a raging fire consume their entire garden. **Fëanaro BlackHorny** are also known to have auto-combustible properties.   
  
  
Growers are also strongly advised to prevent this " _Oathing_ " pestilence at all costs because the " _Magnificent Seven_ " are easily susceptible to it once the "father" plant is fully-afflicted. _**Super Silmaril**_ Fertilizer balls are highly recommended.   
  
  
Please ensure that any person younger than 18 go NOWHERE near these "parent" plants unless you want to explain about _Eldarin Kama Sutra_ to a 3-year-old. **You have been warned.  
**  
  
From this pairing will result the acclaimed "Magnificent Seven". This is a famous bumper and cash crop for many plot makers and growers. Not only do they yield a beautifully vibrant and varied set of blooms, they can also be paired with any female plant species and produce wondrous, bushel-loads of " _population explosion blooms_ "!  
  
  
While it is advisable to commendable to pair them with " _virgin"_ female plants, please be advised that the "Magnificent Seven" have particularly robust and well-endowed stamens and said " _virgin_ " plants might not survive the first extremely vigorous coupling, unless they or YOU like that sort of thing. **You have been warned.  
**  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
 **"Magnificent Seven" - An Oath in Every Petal  
**  
  
1) _**Russandol**_ \- the High Jumper -- the Well-Endowed;   
  
  
Has the longest and tallest stalk; Perfectly-shaped anatomy, only has red-topped varieties. It can grow in _ever-cold, hilly_ locations, but NEVER in **Helcaraxe.**   
  
  
Do not plant along stiff cliffs or towering precipices as the bloom might fall off. Do not hang over an arbor or it might wither and die. Do not expose to burning wood as it may " _stand aside_ " and thereby ruin the perfect symmetry of your garden lay-out.  
  
Also well-known among " _Slash_ " followers. It has been claimed that Russandol will bond with a _HairCommander_ plant when left alone together for extended periods of time. No strong evidence can be presented to support this. And besides, Russandol stalks usually fall-off when exposed to a HairCommander plant because _HairCommander_ has built-in "scissor" leaves.  
  
If you believe that there are yellow, brown or black varieties of Russandol, then you might as well believe that a _blue tiger_ or a _vegetarian crocodile_ are possible. **Do not be so gullible.  
**  
  
2) ** _Macalaure_** – Strong Gold -- the Horny Harpist  
  
The name might sound like a _cigarette or beer_ brand, but do not be deceived. This bloom is the subject of many songs and poems but especially of maudlin drama or angst fiction. Is known to thrive in seaside locations. It is suggested that you play classical music near the plant every morning and evening to maintain its health.   
  
  
Does not grow well with _Daeron Sindar_ varieties in the vicinity as both plants have a natural animosity and will attempt to strangle each other's roots and cut-off water supply at every opportunity.  
  
  
3) **_Hasty Riser_** – Glorious Blond – Platinum Blond – Peroxide Flush - The Fair    
  
The subject of much controversy mainly because of its color. The most popular are the yellow varieties but some growers insist that the real color should be dark. This produces the lightest color spectrum in all of the 7 brother plants.   
  
  
No matter what its real color may be, this bloom does not grow well in _caves or enclosed spaces_. It has been claimed that its petals should be sprayed regularly with fresh blood to maintain its sheen, but no veritable proof exists to support this claim. **Again, do not be so gullible.  
**  
  
4) **_Red-Faced_** – the Dark - the DarkHorse - the Dark Knight -- Batman -- Bruce Wayne  
  
  
The most mysterious-looking of all the Magnificent Seven and some growers claim, very high-maintenance. This produces the darkest color spectrum in all of the 7 brother plants. It is the only one of the 7 Brother plants to thrive in dark, sunless areas.   
  
  
Do not place in the vicinity of an _Iron-Noble_ plant from the **Finarfinopsida** class. This bloom tolerates the presence of Naugrim stunted shrubs. It seems to show preference for _Halethian_ "female" plants.  
  
  
5) **_Daddy's Favourite_** – Junior – Curvo   
  
  
This bloom has a very striking resemblance to Fëanaro BlackHorny. Might come with a "bonus" bloom called "Silverfist" which also has a striking resemblance to Fëanaro BlackHorny.   
  
To distinguish between the three blooms, Silverfist has ring-like protrusions in its stalks and arrow-like thorns along its petals, while the Fëanaro BlackHorny is ALWAYS grafted to Nerdanel. So use your brains--the remaining one would most likely be "Daddy's Favorite".   
It grows well with Hasty Riser and does not thrive in enclosed spaces or caves. It also has "auto-combustible" properties like Fëanaro BlackHorny and should be kept away from open flame.   
  
  
  
_**6 & 7) Ambarussa**_ – Pityo/Telvo - Umbarto – Ambarto - Losgarine Torch - Fated – Twins – Gemini – Castor/Pollux - Fred/George - Little/Last – B1/B2 – Mama's Boys – Doppelganger   
  
  
One of the most famous of the Magnificent Seven, hence the many nicknames. When grown together with its brother-plants, it usually occupies the most protected and enclosed spot.   
  
This bloom shares the lovely coppery red of Russandol, but has more varieties in terms of color spectrum. Do not plant on islands or near rivers as it will **not** thrive. Do not transport by sea either as this makes it prone to burning. The leaves are highly-combustible. **You have been warned.  
**  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
 **Steps for Breeding:**   
  
Just place any of the above "Magnificent Seven" blooms with any "female" flower plant in a plot hole or any planting bed (preferrably _king-sized_ or larger). The _elongated and widely-girthed_ male stamen will find its way to the female orifice without any assistance. But you can always guide it with your hand, if you prefer. Fertilization will then proceed immediately and constantly, round-the-clock. You may watch if you want, if you are fond of _that_ sort of thing.   
  
If you want to "practice" your blooms, you may use **_Mary Sue Wildflowers_** , which are hardy and easily disposable after use. But better keep sufficient stock of these sturdy and  _insatiable_ wildflowers if only to keep the "Magnificent Seven" sated and happy.   
  
You have to ensure that you have enough storage room for the " _population explosion blooms_ " that will follow and the enormous dragon-hoard of cash it will bring.   
  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
 **Other Practical uses for Home and Health:  
**  
  
"Magnificent Seven" blooms (all 7 together) are also reputed to greatly enhance male "potency" and extend "performance". Start by grinding the stems in _circular motion_ several times until they "explode" into a sticky, opaque liquid which will turn **blue** when exposed to room temperature. Shape into an _oval capsule_ form and gulp it down with any alcoholic drink.   
  
Result: Instant treatment for erectile dysfunction. It can also be used by soldiers about to go to battle!   
  
( **Note:** The only known side-effect of this practice is the desire to utter an _Unbreakable Oath_. Better clamp your mouth shut with extra-tight clothespins to prevent this from happening.)  


**_Russandol_ ** \- Petals can either boiled in very high temperature then placed in red tea bags. This tea is a prized tonic and is usually drunk by athletes, bunjee jumpers, pole vault experts, parachutists and sky divers to "heighten" the excitement. Women are known to insert the fragrant petals into their _corsets (chest part) or brassieres_ and claim to have noticed significant "growth" in that particular part of their anatomy.   
  
  
_**Macalaure**_ – Petals should be marinated in sterilized sea water and poured to an earthenware jug. Said to have favorable effects on the vocal chords. Singers and musicians are encouraged to drink this tonic. Sea travelers often toss a Macalaure into the ocean as a _romantic_ gesture.   
  
  
  
_**Hasty Riser**_ \- Whole flowers are pounded into a pulp and mixed with aloe and peroxide to produce a fragrant and very effective hair coloring cream. The color lasts and lasts for Ages and would suit you **_even if_** you are not even blond to begin with. Another use is to pound the petals and leaves into pure powder and applying it under your eyes to instantly get rid of eye bags and dark circles.   
  
  
  
**_Red-Face_** \- a well-known natural but very expensive ingredient in women's cosmetics, particularly blushes, lipsticks, lip stains and lip gloss. Can also be used to treat sunburn or excessive blushing of brides (virginal or not).   
  
  
**_Daddy's Favourite_** – is a popular _substitute_ for Fëanaro BlackHorny. Most people cannot afford the expensive Fëanaro BlackHorny so they opt to purchase a much cheaper but similar-looking Daddy's Favourite instead. Not to worry, it is as "gifted" as the real thing. Popular gifts during Father's Day celebrations.   
  
  
**_Ambarussa_** – Leaves can be used as natural, pocket-sized and eco-friendly " **lighters** ". No need to bring matches in your next camping expedition or family barbecue! You can also combine the petals with aloe and come up with a very effective insect repelling ointment. But do not go near any open flame when you are wearing this ointment. **You have been warned.  
**  
  
\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------  
  
  
 **Anecdotes**   
  
The well-known and never-sated courtesan **_Merrina Suelimina_** was recorded to have boasted that she had a "stud harem" in her palace. After her death, her admirers discovered that she had planted "Magnificent Seven" all over her garden. Even stranger still, strange-looking wildflowers that changed color appeared in between the "male flowers" and proceeded to bond with ****_any or all_ of them immediately. This was how the Wildflowers got their name.   
  
  
Fossils of Magnificent Seven blooms and even their "population explosion offspring" have been found in the ruins of Cuivienien, Numenor and Beleriand.   
  
  
  
More Blooms to be featured soon! (Orlando or otherwise.)  
  
  
  
TBC


	2. The Fingolfinapsida

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another very irreverent and heretical look at my favorite Silmarillion elves in terms of their "horticultural" potential. Has very strong sexual innuendo and adult language. You have been warned.

Many thanks to Dawn Felagund for her beta work.  But please note that I added extra text after she went through the draft, so if there are any mistakes they're mine. 

* * *

**Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!**    

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda.  

You can consult the first chapter if you need a refresher on the different kinds of Plot.  

The **Fingolfinapsida** is a renowned family that produces distinctive blue and silver blooms that contrast sharply with the sensual and fiery hues of the Fëanariopsida.  

Fingolfinapsida is mostly a " _climbing_ " plant—it thrives well in very high altitudes and is famous for its particular endurance even in the most frigid of climates:  Helcaraxe, Forochel and even Himring zones (but only for Findekano varieties).    An offspring variety can also thrive in starry pools.  

**Scientific Name**  
Kingdom:  Royal Noldorin  
Division:  Indis  
Class:  Fingolfinapsida  
Order:   Valinorean Quendi  
Family:   Secondbest

**Common Names  
** Nolofinwë, Blue-Suede-Shoes, Hound Dog, Rhythm and Blues, Blue Velvet, Elvis Lives, Frigid Air  
     
**Trivia:**   Used as an emblem for "Elvis(h) is Alive" Society;  in the centennial Helcaraxe Winter Olympics, a wreath of Fingolfin blooms is awarded to the second-place winner (first placers are given a wreath of Fëanaros while third placers are given Finarfins). 

The flowers were featured in the romantic comedy film " _Shivering in Helcaraxë_ " and the adult film, " _Come, Blow My Trumpet, Come, Come_ ".   

Just follow our Steps for Success below and you're on your way to fulfillment!

First take an "experienced" Finwë stalk (one that has already sired a Fëanaro BlackHorny) and pair it with an Indis "mother" stalk.   Please ensure that the **Fëanaro BlackHorny** is not in the immediate vicinity while you are doing this; if it refuses to leave, bait it with a **_naked_** Nerdanel.  Keep in mind that the **Fëanaro BlackHorny's** continued presence will result in "performance" issues for the guilty Finwë.  

In the meantime, perform the following steps:   
1. If you want the Fingolfin to reproduce eventually, prepare an opulent **formal** raised bed for it—everything should be orderly and symmetrical;    
2. Fingolfinapsida is very particular about the type of plot that you place it in. It will mostly grow only in Canon, tolerates Filler, and very rarely in Fanon.  The usual themes it prefers are " _Drama_ ", " _Angst"_ (sibling rivalry);   
3. Install a set of high-quality speakers around the raised bed;   
4. Prepare a collection of suitable _marching trumpet_ music, alternate with rock n' roll guitar music (if you prefer).    
5. Construct opulent, formal pergolas or lattice frames around the plant. (Money is no object as you have plenty of time to get a sizable loan.  Yes, it takes _that_ long for the Finwë and Indis to reproduce.)

After it reaches maturity, you may place an extremely shy Anairë female plant next to it in the raised bed and place " _grinding ice_ " pellets around it.  Play trumpet music 24/7 to get the Fingolfin " **in the mood**."

**Warning:**   Please desist from wearing black gardener's garb if you intend to raise Fingolfinapsida as it also has the tendency to be "carnivorous" (it is related to the Fëanaro BlackHorny after all) and will attempt to injure you up to seven times.  If this does happen, please do not wait for the plant to injure you seven times before you run away.  **Fly you fool! Unless** you fancyight have a permanent limp!  

**Extra Warning** :   Placing full-grown Fëanaro BlackHorny and Fingolfin blooms near each other will turn your garden into a **war zone.**   If it does happen, purchase _Valar Intervention_ plant spray to "exile" the aggressive **Fëanaro BlackHorny**.  

The downside to this is that the Finwë stalk will also depart, which leaves the Fingolfin highly susceptible to " _Always Second Best"_ or " _Never Good Enough_ " blight.  If and when this happens, immediately place **Kingly Footstool Supplement** on the soil and **Kingly Sheen** leaf spray and **Kingly Coronet** pellets around the Fingolfin's stamen to get rid of this blight. 

Fingolfin and Anairë will produce the following blooms:

**Hair Commander** – Findekáno, Fingon, High King

This variety has a _very stiff_ cane and distinctive golden strands intermingled with its blooms.  It also has sharp "scissor" leaves that can cut other plants' appendages, especially Russandol, with whom it shares a "close affinity".  To coax the _Hair Commander_ to climb a steep pergola, hang a plastic Russandol at the very top of the structure. A real Russandol will wilt if placed in elevated places.   

_Hair Commander_ thrives very well in sub-zero areas, elevated sites:  mountain sides, cliffs and other precipices.  This is why large eagles often use it to build their nests because its fragrance closely resembles the " _mating_ " scent of most birds of prey.   

_Hair Commander_ is also known for its **asexual** reproductive capability, so do not be surprised when you see a _Gil-Galad or Ereinion_ to sprout beside a virginal Hair Commander. It shares this quality with Orodreth (from the Finarfinapsida class).  Botanists are still puzzled at this bizarre capability.  It is believed that this is the result of pairing it with a yet unidentified species of _Mary Sue_ wildfowers (or weeds).  

It is safe to plant this bloom together with the entire Fëanarapsida class as the **Fëanaro BlackHorny** tolerates its presence.  _Hair Commander_ is very similar to the Magnificent Seven in that it enjoys the attentions of such wildflowers.  

**Anti-Social** \- Smart Ass (obscure Avarin for 'wise'), Turukáno, Turgon, Safe Secret, Hide-Go-Seek, Shy Ondolindë, Earendil's Grandpa

This is the most fussy but also the most popular of all the Fingolfinapsida.  In its infancy you can plant it near the sea, then uproot.   Place in a raised, stony bed and enclose in a fence with seven "gates" and lots of towers as it requires its own _"micro-climate"_  to protect it from harsh winds while storing and radiating heat in the spring and fall.  

_Anti-Social_ thrives in very cold climates, in fact, it will only reproduce with an Elenwë under these conditions.  The resulting "offspring" will be the award-winning silver-white bloom " **Idril"** (or Itarille Celebrindal).  These luminous flowers grow even in underground tunnels and even under very stressful conditions. You may pair Idril with a Tuor "mortal" plant, which wither easily to produce "Earendil".    

Do not attempt to pair _Anti-Social_ with a _Mary Sue_ wildflower or it may have disastrous consequences.  You have been warned. 

_Anti-Social_ can grow with other Sindarin, Nandorin or even Avarin blooms.  In fact, some Sindarin male flowers like " **Glorfindina** ", " **Echtieleona** ", " **Galdory** ", and " **Salgantee-hee** " (among others) can be planted inside its fenced-in bed.  

Do not plant an Eöl darkling plant as they are incompatible.   More on that later. 

**Long Lost –** Aredhel, Arfeiniel, White Lady, Silver Lady, Lomion's Mom, Dart Catcher

This produces distinct and very beautiful silver and white blooms and thrives in cold valleys and dark, enchanted woods.  However, it is also very restless and cannot stay in one place at one time so it is best to have it float in a large starry pool.  (It is well-known as the only "female" floating flower.)  

There are conflicting historical data behind how it came to be called " _Long Lost_ ".  Some say that it is really the "long-lost" daughter plant of **Fëanaro BlackHorny** and Nerdanel due to its affinity with the Magnificent Seven.  Others say that it is because of its restless nature and frequent changes of location are the reasons behind the unusual name.  

It is quite unpredictable and you will find it always straying away from its raised bed.  You may pair it with a possessive but fantastically endowed Dark **Eöl** (or Galvorn).  Make sure that Long Lost enjoys its " _two magic swords_ " frequently so it will not try to run away.  This pairing will produce a "Maeglin" (or Stalker Cousin) bloom but you would have to place the parent plants in a very, very dark place before fertilization can occur.  If and when the Long Lost strays away again, make sure it takes _at least one_ of Dark Eöl's " _magic swords_ " with it.

**Warning:**   Do not let the Dark Eöl come into contact with any member of the Fëanaropsida class as they are resentful of its "two magic swords", especially " _Daddy's Favorite_ ".   Likewise steer Dark Eöl clear of "Anti-Social".   

**Dubious -**   Arakáno, Argonwho, Whoareyou, Dontknowwho, Last Hurrah

This bloom is extremely rare and difficult to produce. It also has a relatively short life span in comparison with its "sibling" blooms that it is not even advisable to grow it.  Ancient necromancers believed that the sap from this plant can be used to bestow invisibility, although no verifiable scientific evidence can support this.  

* * *

  
**Other Practical uses for Home and Health:**  

Fingolfin blooms are used to prepare antidotes for overdoses of Fëanaropsida "sexual performance boosters" (or Viagril petals).  This has been tested only on olvar because no First-born (or Second-born) have expressed desire to be "cured", so just consider this as a little "nice-to-know" factoid.

_**Hair Commander**_ petals (preferably frozen below zero degrees for about two decades) are pounded using _Balrog_ quality pestles and used to put very attractive golden highlights to the hair.   Warning:  Use only an extremely diluted formula if you live in close vicinity of birds of prey or you might end up bald _**or worse**_.  

Some of our more extremely amorous (or fool-hardy) planters spread Hair Commander ointment all over their body in order to attract "birds";  this will undoubtedly work but only for "birds" with sharp talons and beaks.  

_**Anti-Social**_ sap was allegedly used by ancient tribes to "camouflage" their precious possessions although no veritable proof exists to support this.  You may place shredded Anti-Social petals in drinks to help retain their coldness even without ice cubes!    Anti-Social is often used to ornament fountains, high towers, gateways and tunnels.  

****_Long Lost_ is an attractive indoor, floating plant and is often seen in hotel lobbies, indoor plunge pools, magazine covers and flower shows.  The leaves and petals of this bloom are grounded and mixed with rubber to create very effective sword-proof, bullet-proof and dart-proof vests.   The distilled perfume of this flower is also popular among eloping maidens so they can escape undetected even under the watch of vigilant parents.  

TBC


	3. The Finarfinapsida

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another very irreverent and heretical look at my favorite Silmarillion elves in terms of their "horticultural" potential. Has very strong sexual innuendo and adult language. You have been warned.

Alternative title would be:  My Worst Blond Jokes

This chapter is dedicated to Dawn Felagund.  Thanks to Alassante for sharing the meaning of Celeborn/Teleporno's name in the SWG Yahoo group digests. 

* * *

**Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!**    

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda.  

The Finarfinapsida is a renowned family that produces distinctively shiny bright yellow, platinum, metallic yellow, silvery-white and golden blooms.  It is mostly a "crawling" plant used for ground cover and for glitzy ornamentation.  It thrives very well near bodies of water (both fresh and salt-water), caves, cold plains, and even atop trees (in talans).   

This class is not particular to the type of plot because it couldn't tell the difference anyway.  Finarfin has the same wholesome ambivalence to themes and can even be paired with a Fëanaro BlackHorny for " _slash_ " plots.  All you have to ensure that the BlackHorny is intoxicated by "watering" it with a barrel of wine instead of water for a whole week.  And then spray red food coloring on the Finarfin's petals.  Never, ever try a _Fëanaro_ and  _Fingolfin_ combination if you value your existence.

**Scientific Name:**  
Kingdom:  Royal Noldorin  
Division:  Indis  
Class:  Finarfinapsida  
Order:   Valinorean Quendi  
Family:   Lookatme

**Common Names:  
** Arafinwë, Dumbbell, Barbie's Dad, Mattel Toy, Summer Sunshine, Peroxide Fever, Pyrite (Fool's Gold), Blond Moments  
    
**Trivia:**     
In ancient Eldarin warfare, to foist a sprig of Finarfin signifies " _Retreat_ "! In modern athletics, third placers are given Finarfin bouquets.  

Finarfinapsida is ideal for beginners or blond gardeners because it is so easy to grow!  It is not as expensive to maintain as Fingolfinapsida, nor as life threatening as the Fëanarapsida.   The only catch when growing this bloom is that you have to have large vats of _Peroxide_ on hand because you will need to hand-spray the pale leaves and blooms twice daily with the chemical.  If you are too lazy to do this, the blooms will " **darken** " to a dull **_swamp-brown_** or _**crocodile-green**_ color.  Dark-colored Finarfinapsida flowers have absolutely no resale value and are only useful for _composting._

Some extreme (and hormonal) growers with serious stress issues have claimed to bait the Finarfin by wearing lower undergarments marked " _This Way to Valinor_ " in front (or at the back—if you're interested in that sort of thing).  We are not advocating hentai tentacle fetishes here, although this particular plant has been featured in a number of such movies.  

Just follow our Steps for Success below and you're on your way to fulfillment!

First, take a couple of "highly-experienced" Finwë and Indis stalks to produce Finarfin--it's that simple!  

Upon reaching maturity, plant the Finarfin near the seashore together only with a silver-haired female plant, preferably Eärwen (or Silver Swan); Finarfin will never pollinate any dark-colored plant nor will it reproduce with a blond-colored female.   If you do not live anywhere near the sea, just play recorded sea waves near the Finarfin and the Eärwen to facilitate the reproductive process.  Sometimes, the Finarfin will "self-pollinate" and produce an " _Orodreth_ " all by itself. 

After producing offspring, Finarfin will lapse into "High King" (i.e. _unproductive)_ phase.

The Finarfin and the Eärwen will produce the following blooms:

**Dawn Felagundine** – Nargo Blond, Finderato, Finrodette, Artafinde Ingolda, Nom (or Smart Aleck in obscure Avarin), Cave Hewer, Barbie Boy 2, Peroxide Axe, Mr. Congeniality

An extremely popular bloom that can be planted with any other shrub from different classes:  stunted (dwarf) shrubs, Fëanorians (except " _Hasty Riser_ " and " _Daddy's Favorite_ "), Fingolfians, Second-born wildflower shrubs.   

This plant is named after the founder of the Eldarin Horticultural Society, an obscure Noldorin lore mistress.  This bloom is also the official emblem of the Eldarin Horticultural Society and was even featured in the risqué and highly-controversial adult novel " ** _Lady Amarië's Lover_** ".   

**Iron Noble** – Dortho Blond, Angrod, Peroxide Armor, Barbie Boy 3, Iron Gloves, Iron Mask, Iron Man, Tony Stark

Mainly used for "breeding" purposes only.  Pair with a Mary Sue wildflower to produce "Orodreth" a.k.a. Barbie Boy 5, which in turn can asexually produce "Gil-Galad or Ereinion", blooms.  _Iron Noble_ is very similar to _Hair Commander_ in this respect but it is not known for certain as to who the real "father" plant of Gil-Galad is.  Botanists have yet to discover how to perform a paternity test for plants because by nature, kelvar are more "promiscuous" than olvar.  **Don't be so judgmental.**

Do not expose _Iron Noble_ to sudden flame as it may wilt and die. As much as possible, do not place in close proximity with " _Red-Faced_ " of the Fëanariapsida class or the two plants may try to harm each other.  It is advisable to plant a _Russandol_ in between them.  

**Fell Fire** – Doria Blond, Aegnor, Peroxide Flame, Barbie Boy 4, Aikanaro, Ambarato, Figwit

Prefers "mortal" Andreth flowers that wilt very, very easily and needs to be replaced frequently.  Very useful ground-cover around fences and walls.  Like its brother plant _Iron Noble_ , do not expose to sudden flame if you know what's good for you.  

**Man Maiden (or Transvestitania in obscure Avarin)** \- Loth Blond, Nerwen, Drag Queen, Artanis, Alatariel, Altariel, Peroxide Locks, Barbie, Witch of the Wood, Galadriel, Terrible Queen, Blondie Bumstead, Cate Blanchett

This is a very popular plant and has a number of beneficial qualities.   It also has a very long life span and thrives in most climates:  from frigid Helcaraxe to mild Lothlorien.  It can also adjust almost effortlessly in different habitats:  seaside, mountains, hillsides, underground caverns, treetops, and even indoors!  You are strongly advised not to plant it near Moria or Angband regions because it may wilt and lose its fair blond looks.  

It is one of most hardy plants but here are more precautionary steps to take in taking care of your Man Maidens: 

Do not expose to _Frodo Halfling_ shrubs because it causes the _Man Maiden_ to double its height and turn a  sickly crocodile green color.  It will only return to its original color if you submerge it completely in a vat of peroxide for a week.  If it still does not return to its normal glowing blond color, **throw it in the compost heap quick**! 

Planting a _Gimli stunted shrub_ or a _Fëanaro BlackHorny_ near the _Man Maiden_ causes it to  shed all of its petals.  If you must insist on planting them side-by-side, you must do this:  String Super Silmaril Fertilizer Balls around a naked _Nerdanel_ to distract the _Fëanaro BlackHorny_ and string lots of shiny gems around a naked _Legolas_ to distract the _Gimli._

Mature _Man Maidens_ often strive with " _Sauron Black Spot_ ", which assaults its pretty shining leaves.  Place _Nenya_ soil amendment nutrients with a seven-foot radius around the plant.  You may also surround it with several Galadhrim pesticide pellets and keep the _Man Maiden_ close to its preferred male plant, **Silver Member** (or _Teleporno_ of the Sindarapsida).  You have to regularly place the soil amendment near the Man Maiden or else it will fade.  

_Extra precautions:_   You may run the risk of going blind because of the extremely bright glare if you plant a Hasty Riser, Glorfindina or any Vanyar bloom with any of the Finarfinapsida class.  Please wear a decent pair of shades or dark eyeglasses when working with these plants.  

* * *

** Other Practical uses for Home and Health:   **

**Dawn Felagundine**

The breathtaking beauty of the sunshine yellow flowers of this plant was held to enrapture whoever beholds it:  so much so that they burst into rhyme at the mere sight of the plant.  This is not very practical of course, especially if you have chores to do or have to rush to work.  Imagine bursting in to rhyme in front of your boss!   
Better not to look at the plant on school or work days.  Or you can wear blindfolds while watering it or invest in a sprinkler.  

The sap and the nectar from this plant is one of the major ingredients in body deodorants.   The perfume from the flower is distilled in vast underground caverns which is why it is expensive to produce but money is no object for its avid users. In fact, when warriors of antiquity went back home to their wives, they often use this special deodorant to instantly get rid of " _battle odor_ " and afterwards drink Viagril petal tablets (from the Magnificent Seven).  

Highly-concentrated quantities of the sap can even be used as " _love potion_ " by unscrupulous maidens trying to snare hapless bachelors into marriage or by hopeless geeky men who want to be popular with the ladies.  Married couples swear by the scent's "aphrodisiac" qualities and are usually given as anniversary presents.  

In the ancient Eldarin language of flowers, giving a _Dawn Felagundine_ bloom to someone means:  "I pledge to protect you."  

The woody stems of this plant can be used for plant lattice, trellises, fences, balustrades and harps.  

**Iron Noble  
** The pulp of this plant was used in antiquity to "coax" criminals to confess to crimes, even if the said criminals are not at all guilty.   Nowadays, its grounded roots are combined to produce high-quality bullet-proof, bomb proof, electrocution-proof armor but the downside is you can **not** take it off _ever again_.   

The sap of this plant is used to perfume household and industrial bleach.  It is also used for rust-proofing armor, weapons and other items made of iron.

**Fell Fire**  
Fell Fire has a subtle but clean and crisp pine scent that is very popular for backyards and for air fresheners (car, house and bathroom).  The reason behind its usefulness is that it does not overwhelm the nostrils and easily melts into the background, unlike the attention-getting scent of the Dawn Felagundina.  

Its sap is also a component for wallpaper glue and its wood is used for wall hangings and frames.  The wood can also be used for long-lasting bonfires and barbecues.  

**Man Maidens  
** Man Maidens traditionally adorn the ring bearer's boutonnière in weddings.  Or if you have a bone to pick with any or all of your bridesmaids, have them wear a wreath of Man Maidens in their hair. 

Its leaves are useful in wrapping lembas or coimas and help keep it fresh even without refrigeration for a yeni.  Its stiff canes can be carved into sturdy long bows, arrow shafts, spears or axe handles.  Its shapely leaves have been mimicked by jewelers when creating brooches.  Its stems can be woven into soft gray traveler's cloaks that repel mud and sweat which is why the cloth is also used for bed and pillow covers, tablecloths (don't ask why), curtains & drapes (don't ask how), floor rugs (you know why), potholders etc. etc.  You can also use these excellent Man Maiden cloaks in combination with the Dawn Felagundine perfume and the Viagril petals if you're having an outdoor honeymoon!  

Healers use the ground petals and leaves of this plant to produce very strong hallucinogenic drugs, the overdose of which enable the user to perform random mind-speak or mind-reading.  _But do not let your hearts be troubled, for the shadow shall pass._   In the meantime, you can use your new-found skills to earn some money by opening either a Psychic or a Love Chat hotline.  

There was an old folklore connected with _Man Maidens:_   On the eve of one's Begetting Day you should steam the petals and inhale the vapors in front of a mirror so you can see "things that were, things that are, or things that may come to pass".  This is just an old folklore so it is hardly verifiable. If you are blond you have an excuse for believing this hogwash.  If you are not, you're either just gullible or _maybe you're more blond than you think._

* * *

My hair is nowhere near blond but I have lots of "blond" moments.  

Up next:  The Sindarapsida 


	4. The Sindarapsida

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another very irreverent and heretical look at my favorite Silmarillion elves in terms of their "horticultural" potential. Has very strong sexual innuendo and adult language. You have been warned.

This chapter is dedicated to Rhapsody and Robinka, esp. the Beleg entry, and Alassante for starting the "Teleporno" thread in SWG Yahoo groups.  Having said that, this chapter is definitely not for the pure-hearted. 

No beta for this chapter. Hope it's not too much of an eyesore.

* * *

**Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!**    

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda.  

Here is a recap of the Finwëan classes that we have discussed:  
1) The prolific bedding blooms or the Fëanorapsida – 24/7 intensive pollination, extremely hardy but very lethal if not handled properly; very receptive to Mary Sue wildflowers (or weeds).  The ultimate solution to depopulated gardens.  Any type of plot will do.  Best floral arrangement/theme:  Erotica, Violence, Heresy

2) The ambitious or social-climbing blooms or the Fingolfinapsida \- ostentatious blooms that require expensive pampering and marching trumpet music.   For optimum performance, wear servant's uniforms when working in the garden.  Only canon or a very well-constructed gap-filler plot will do.  Best floral arrangement/theme: Melodrama, Ceremonial pomp

3) The crawling or ground cover blooms or the Finarfinapsida – Ideal for "blond" gardeners (we are not referring to hair color here, but a rather blissful state of mind).  Useless if not sprayed with peroxide regularly.  Fanon-friendly.  Best floral arrangement/theme:  Comedy (never use for Critical Essay or Research themes)

* * *

We will now discuss the **Sindarapsida (or Thindarapsida).** It is a renowned family that produces distinctive gray, shiny white, white and silver scalloped blooms. Their long and very stiff canes are useful for making long bows, arrows and other more intimate items that require length and stiffness (if you're interested in those sorts of things).  

This class is often used in hedges, fences, wall trellises, privacy screens and borders and aptly so for this class is extremely territorial and prone to sea-longing pestilence.  You are strongly advised not to plant this near the sea (except the _Popeye_ variety).  

It thrives very well in secluded underground caves and even indoors and potted containers.   These plants have an on-again, off-again relationship with Naugrim shrubs—the older varieties are quite repulsed with them while newer " _Orlando's Bloom_ " varieties seem to get along very well with them (especially Gimlis).   

**Scientific Name:**  
Kingdom:  Sindarin (or Thindarin)  
Division:  Stranded Teleri  
Class:  Sindaripasida (or Thindarapsida)  
Order:   Gray Elves  
Family:   Stuckhere or Strandedum  (Thuckhere or Thrandedum)

**Common Names:  
** Grey elves, Cave Dwellers, Girdlerama, Magic Camouflage, Menes  
    
**Elwë Enchanted** – Doria the Explorer, Gray Cloak, Mene Splendored, Thingol Bells, Beleriand Overlord

This plant produces stately globular blooms with up to 1,000 petals each.  It is so renowned that it also had a major impact on linguistics:  the oft-used word "mene" traces its origin to this flower.   Some examples:  "I'm so depressed, have so mene problems!" or "I have so mene clothes I can't make up my mind!" "Mene thanks for your help."

This bloom is considered a controlled substance and can only be grown in extremely secured areas like underground caves or covered with a tent made from used and unwashed girdles.   

Pairing Elwë with a Melian can produce Luthien Sue which is a type of wildflower (or weed).  Elwë can be quite temperamental but can be pacified with only one piece of Super Silmaril Fertilizer balls, compared to the three balls required to pacify a Fëanaro BlackHorny.  Do not plant with any of the Fëanarapsida or face the dire consequences. 

**Silver Member*** – Teleporno, Celeborn, You Hefner, Kendoll, Playboy, Penthouse, Hustler, Drag King, Dagwood Bumstead, Martin Csokas** (rarely used)

* _Or Every Girl's Best Friend, Silver Stud, Silver Prick, Silver Live Wire, Silver Shaft, Silver Hot Rod, Silver Lovestick, Silver Joystick, Silver Manhood (or Elfhood or Dwarfhood or Hobbithood, Neighborhood, etc. etc.), Silver Phallus, Silver Front Tail, Silver Cock, Silver Dick, Silver Willy, Silver Shlong_.  For a comprehensive guidebook with large color illustrations please proceed to the Society Gift Shop.

This bloom is the preferred partner of _Man Maiden_ and **every female** (and some male) plant upon Arda.  Please separate _Silver Member_ and _Man Maiden_ if you are expecting prudish visitors in your garden.  Do not interrupt these two while they are pollinating or the _Man Maiden_ may grow carnivorous and bite your hand off. (It is related to the _Fëanaro BlackHorny_ after all).

This variety is available in a multitude of colors in addition to silver: there are _rainbow-colored, fruit-flavored and even chocolate colored_ varieties although color is **no** issue.   It is an extremely " _touchy-feely_ " plant and needs to be caressed and lubricated regularly to maintain its vitality.  If not, the bloom will fall off, which is tragic.  When the plant's stamina is low, just place two "AA" Battery Fertilizer tubes at the roots and revolving pearl rings along the cane to revive it.  A word of caution, please regulate this plant's exposure to the perpetually eager _Man Maiden_ or _Silver Member_  might wilt due to exhaustion.  

Trivia:  This plant has been voted as the "All-Time Favorite" by many members of the Eldarin Horticultural Society who swear by its " **fun, stress-relieving and calorie-burning** " benefits.   

**Popeye** – Gray Beard, Cirdan, Shipwright, Barnacle Babe

This bloom is usually planted in sea ports and ships hence, is very popular with sailors. Gardeners often use briny water from the sea to water this plant.  It is the only member of the class that is immune to "Sea-Longing" pestilence.   

**Cirth Singer** – Daeron the Explorer 

A very close relative of _Elwë Enchanted_ , the _Cirth Singer_ is the Sindarin equivalent of the Fëanarapsida's Macalaurë.  Newbie growers are strongly advised against placing these plants together because of their " _silent animosity_ " with each other.  Botanical tests have shown that while looking placid on ground level, the two plants are actually trying to strangle each other's roots.   You can go around this silent animosity by placing them in reinforced concrete pots and by spending equal time with each so they won't feel jealous. 

**Strongbow** \- Apollo, Beleg, Forest Mint, Robin Hood, Cúthalion, Gray Debonair

Strongbow is an extremely hardy and sturdy plant that originated in Cuiviénen soil together with most "forefather" stalks, it is very compatible with almost all other plants but take care not to expose it to _**Doctor Doom**_ (Turin) shrub, a.k.a. **_Fashion Disaster_** in obscure Avarin.   This detrimental shrub is always harmful to Strongbow so keep them as far away from each other as you can. If Doctor Doom refuses to leave, smother it with a gallon of _Glaurung Good Luck!_ Disinfectant.  

You may pair _Strongbow_ with _Nellas_ flowers although it is also quite receptive towards Mary Sue Wildflowers (or weeds).  

**Randy Thrandy** \- Thranduil, Golden Bow, Bling Bling, Wine Guzzler, Lucius Malfoy, Woodland King

_Randy Thrandy_ thrives well if planted in either used wine barrels (only premium Dorwinion vintage will do) or any pot made of shiny material like platinum, gold or silver, even pyrite (fool's gold).  If you are broke, you can always substitute aluminum foil from the kitchen but you must replenish it regularly.   _Bilbo Halfling_ parasitic shrubs can eat your _Randy Thrandy_ into bankruptcy so keep the two plants away from each other.  

You can either pair it with a Mary Sue Wildflower (or weed) to distract it from its alcoholism or you can give it enough shiny stuff so it will self-pollinate and produce the award-winning and impossibly beautiful _Orlando's Bloom_. 

**Orlando's Bloom** – Legolas, Sexy Leggy, Green Leaf, Purty Elf boy, 'D Heartthrob, Draco Malfoy, Paris Flop, Balian Flop, Will Turner Hit, Prince Charming

This impossibly beautiful and frail bloom is highly-sought after in Erotica, Romance and Slash and Action/Adventure (mostly Fanon) because it tends to be very boring, and even non-sensical in Canon.  

It has very close affinity with _Gimli stunted shrubs, Aragorn muddy ferns_ and Mary Sue Wildflowers (or weeds).  _Orlando's Bloom_ is perpetually exhausted because of the constant attention of the said wildflowers so you should stock up on Lembas Energizer wafers. 

Do not plant this bloom with the _Magnificent Seven_ for this will cause the Mary Sue Wildflowers to go on a violent " _Fan girl frenzy_ " which often result in bodily damage (yours, for the most part).  The benefits of this peculiar " _Fan girl frenzy_ " often result in overproduction of "infant" blooms.    

* * *

  

****Practical uses for Home and Health:   

**Elwë Enchanted**

The sap from this plant is a potent hypnotic drug that can put the user in a prolonged, trance-like state that eventually results in shotgun marriages or elopements.   Please use extreme discretion when handling this plant.  

**Silver Member**

Needless to say, Silver Member's fun, stress-relieving and calorie-burning benefits make it a mainstay in homes, cars, offices, parks all over Arda.  Describing it in details is way beyond the scope of this leaflet.  You may consult the Eldarin Kama Sutra for specifications and illustrated positions. 

**Popeye**

Crushed leaves of Popeye, which resemble spinach, are held to increase muscle density and provide temporary increase in strength.  The only side-effect for users is that they grow an extremely dense gray beard with prolonged use.  By the way, it is impossible to shave the beard. 

**Cirth Singer**

It is very similar to the Macalaurë in that crushed petals, mixed with tepid tap water, is held to be very beneficial to the vocal chords.  Rubbing Cirth Singer sap into your fingers will make them quite sticky but resistant to calluses from too much harp playing.      
   
 **Strongbow**

Strongbow is widely used in Eldarin cuisine, especially in baking.  The edible and delightfully palatable petals are usually coated with milk chocolate and used to top cakes and other pastries.  Hormonal newlyweds often commission kink cakes strewn with chocolate-coated Strongbow petals to "keep up their strength".

Some pharmacists have tried to distill a Strongbow tonic, which people often use for extra stamina, endurance and longevity.  We leave it to your wild and hopelessly perverted imagination to conjure what exactly you would need those attributes for.  

**Randy Thrandy**

Boil petals of Randy Thrandy and mix with water to instantly get rid of pesky hangovers but it would just leave you wanting to drink more.  Most growers buy Randy Thrandy if only to produce Orlando's Bloom then discard it afterwards. 

**Orlando's Bloom**

Other than its showcasing its good looks or producing offspring, there is not much practical use for an Orlando's Bloom.  You can try to use it as a "foil" to the haughty Magnificent Seven who seem to think that they monopolize the good looks market.  Enterprising gardeners often take advantage of this situation by provoking the "fan girl frenzy" where the eight blooms "compete" with each other in producing the most offspring.   


	5. The Vanyarapsida

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another very irreverent and heretical look at my favorite Silmarillion elves in terms of their "horticultural" potential. Has very strong sexual innuendo and adult language. You have been warned.

_**Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!**_    

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda.  

**The Vanyarapsida** is a renowned family that produces a varied assortment of incandescent yellow and bright white blooms. Their long and thick stems stay _very stiff_ indefinitely, hence they are usually made into very durable long spears.   These blooms are the descendants of very rare Cuiviénen "parent" plants Imin and Iminyë that were exposed to extremely high doses of peroxide.  

It thrives very well in very high, very bright altitudes.  Eagles, hawks (and pretty much all of the big birds) are known to decorate their aeries or nests with these blooms during mating season.  It can also be used as houseplants for towers, lighthouses, high-rise flats or condominiums.  Their captivating i ~~ncestuous~~ incense-like scent make them ideal for places of worship.  

**Scientific Name**  
Kingdom:  Royal Vanyarin  
Division:  Taniquetil  
Class:  Vanyarapsida  
Order:   High Imintenance  
Family:   Mefirst mefirst

**Common Names** :   Varda's brats, Manwe's spawn, Taniquetil strawheads, anemia plants, Peroxide Max, Yummy Long Spears, First In, First Out (FIFO)  
    
**Trivia:**   In the ancient Eldarin language of flowers, Vanyarin blooms stand for loyalty, solidarity.  It is also a symbol of pack mentality.  

* * *

**Ingwë** – Chief of the Chieftains, Commander-in-Chief, Numero Uno, Air Force One, 1ngwë, One and Only, Non-Entity,  Mindon Eldaliéva

An extremely attractive plant mainly used for decorative, symbolic purposes only.  Please plant under intense "Valarific garden spotlights" or it may wilt for lack of attention.  It has been alleged that neglected Ingwë plants of old "convert" into Indis stalks but of course this is just an old wives' tale fabricated to explain (among other things) the exceptionally high aversion of the **Fëanaro BlackHorny** to Indis and its "children plants".     

It prefers the rarefied air of high altitudes and thrives well in tall, erect towers and lighthouses.  

**Ingwion**   -- Son of Ingwë, Beleriand Boy Band  
Very popular in "slash/foursome" floral arrangements with _Eonwë, Russandol and Strong Gold (Macalaure)_ plants, but never plant with the rest of the Magnificent Seven blooms  (see Chapter 1), especially Hasty Riser/Tyelkormo as the plants are naturally competitive regarding spear length and girth.   

This exceptionally beautiful plant produces the famed long and thick spears of its class, but it is also known to cause _**tremendous geographical upheavals**_ (i.e. garden plots sink to the sea even if your location is completely land-locked).  The remedy for this "slight" problem is to pull-out and replant in another location once every fifty years or so.  Better yet, use "Gift of Foresight" fertilizer balls when handling Ingwion.  

**Fairy Stepmother** \-- Fëanaro's Bane, Indis, The Other Woman, Stepmom, Wicked Stepmother, Ingwë-in-Drag, The Valkyrie, Veela, Fleur dela Coeur, Finwë's Strike Two, Jadis, the White Witch

A very fertile "female" plant that can produce up to five "children plants" with a used (experienced) _Finwë_ stalk.  This plant is usually kept in libraries, cemeteries and other quiet places, for it " _dislikes intrigues and tumult."_   Better not exchange gossip with your neighbor in front of this plant.   

_Warning:_   You are required to sign a waiver before propagating this useful female plant by the Eldarin Horticultural Society for "unforeseen damages caused by berserk **Fëanaro BlackHorny** plants".  Precautions include:  
• Ensure that there is at least a 500-mile distance between this plant and a Fëanaro BlackHorny or face the consequences.    
• If are recklessly hard-headed and must insist on planting them in the same garden, **BURY** the Fëanaro BlackHorny under a heaving pile of Super Silmaril Fertilizer balls and surround with wet and naked Nerdanel plants.    
• Never, ever plant a _Finwë_ stalk **in between** a Miriel Therinde and The Fairy Stepmother because it will result in extreme damage to the Finwë plant.  
• Never place a Miriel and The Fairy Stepmother in a " _fem-slash_ " floral arrangement as they have the tendency to mud-wrestle, thereby ruining their sensitive petals.  

**Goldilocks** –Amarië, Melodrama Queen, Pyrite Tresses, Rapunzel, Aurora, Gold(Fin)ger

This beautiful plant produces golden yellow blooms that look like spun gold.  It is usually paired with a _Dawn Felagundine(Finrod),_ preferably those specimens that have been treated with _Namo's Brand_  Re-embodiment soil minerals.  

**The Titanic** \-- Elenwë, Iceberg queen, Snow Queen, Helcaraxë Muse, Jack Dawson, Leonardo di Caprio

Like the rest of its family ( _surprise, surprise_ ) this bloom has golden yellow flowers and bright, dazzling leaves.    This female plant is usually fertilized by an _Anti-Social/Turgon_ plant from the Fingolfinapsida class to produce the award-winning _**Idril or Itaril Celebrindal**_ plant. 

This plant only thrives in mountains and other places of high altitude but never in cold climates, enclosed spaces, caves, sea-coasts, etc.  

* * *

**Practical uses for Home and Health:**   

**Ingwë**  
Ingwë plants are mostly used for decorative, ceremonial or symbolic purposes.  It is widely-used as a slogan for lame-duck leaders.  

The leaves are pulped and woven into effective Invisibility cloaks.  One side-effect is that the invisibility is _permanent._    Twisted stems can be used as wicks for lamps, bonfires and are very effective when used for burning witches in stakes.  

**Ingwion**  
The stiff canes of this plant are used for spears for fighting, hunting jousting, measuring sticks that can cover long distances, fabric measurement sticks, pole vaulting sticks, javelins, long fruit picking sticks, poking sleeping dragons' eyelids, tapping enemies you don't want to talk to, etc.   In fact, the expression: "I won't touch you with a ten-foot pole even if __…", is based on the average length of Ingwion canes.

The fumes of burning Ingwion sticks are known to have hallucinogenic effects and have been known to induce 'wrath attacks' that last fifty years or more.    

**Fairy Stepmother**   
Other than reproducing with the _Finwë_ stalk, this plant is also used by really, really brave daredevils and fraternity initiates in goading a **Fëanaro BlackHorny** to go berserk (i.e. _Plantslaying_ mode).  Some extremely foolhardy thrill-seekers with a death-wish even spray red plant-coloring to the _Fairy Stepmother's_ petals (so it can pass for Nerdanel) and try to graft it with the **Fëanaro BlackHorny**.  There are high death rates resulting from this suicidal act.  **You have been warned.**

**Goldilocks**  
A useful bear repellant especially for woodland chalets and whatnot.  Not effective if the bear is actually a transformed _Beorning_.  How to tell the difference?  Try and talk politely to the bear, if it replies, it's a Beorning; if it doesn't, what are you waiting for? **RUN!**   

Goldilocks has been featured in maudlin romantic novels wherein the hero deserts the heroine but returns (eventually, after five hundred years or so...).  The blooms are also popular with sculptors, who usually cover their human statues "private parts" with this flower.  

**The Titanic  
** Other than reproducing with an Anti-Social/Turgon plant, there are no other practical uses for this flower.


	6. The Telerinapsida

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another very irreverent and heretical look at my favorite Silmarillion elves in terms of their "horticultural" potential. Has very strong sexual innuendo and adult language. You have been warned.

**Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!**    

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda.  

The Telerinapsida is a popular family of plants that thrive near or under the sea and in islands, harbors, lighthouses, ships and submarines.  This class is often associated with music and singers and harpists often adorn their heads with wreaths of its leaves.  It is extensively planted in Alqualondë.   

In the _Unabridged Dictionary of the First-Born Languages_ , "Telerin" is listed as a synonym to 'tardy'.  So expressions like "I'll be Telerin" is another way of saying "I'll be late". When setting appointments (especially romantic dates), it is always wise to specify whether you are using "Telerin time" or normal time.  Telerin time ranges from _two hours late to a whopping thirty six Years of The Trees_!     

**Scientific Name**  
Kingdom:  Royal Telerin  
Division:  Tardy Late  
Class:  Telerinapsida  
Order:   Sea Lovers  
Family:   Kinslain

**Common Names** :   Ossë's Friends, Ulmo's Wards, Wet and Salty, Fashionably Late  
    
**Trivia:**     
There are curious quarterly festivals scheduled in the piers of Alqualondë.  Here is a simple list, including with the flowers used:

**Spring** – _Love Boat_ – A replica of a yacht is filled with (1) lots of blue oval pills (or Viagril), (2) all species of Eldarin "male" plants and (3) lots of Mary Sue Wildflowers (or weeds).  It is believed that this was patterned after an ancient fertility festival. 

**Summer** – _Slay Kin_ * - A number of ornate swan-shaped miniature boats are filled with Fëanorapsida plants:  _Fëanaro BlackHorny_ and the complete _Magnificent Seven_ blooms, but **does not** include Nerdanel.*)  

For the _Slay-Kin_ festival the entire pier is slavered with blood-red wax and sprinkled with badly-mangled Telerin stock flowers.  The cute and adorable ships are then sent out to sea with much ceremony while the crowd chants:  " _Slay-kin, slay-kin, slay-kin…_." (The exact meaning is unknown but experts believe that it is a metaphor of some sort). This festival generates the **most** substantial revenues especially from clueless female tourists who all actively participate.  

**Fall** – _Sound of Music_ * – A replica of a passenger ship is filled with Fëanorapsida plants: _Fëanaro BlackHorny, Nerdanel_ and the _complete Magnificent Seven_ blooms. Black replica ships adorned with swastikas chase the main ship to open sea.

**Winter** – _Helcaraxë Hröa Shots_ – A real boat is dispatched to Helcaraxë and returns loaded with ground ice for the free-for-all miruvor and hröa (body) shots.  Police are on red alert during this festival for there had been many incidents of frenzied biting and shotgun marriages.   If you plan to attend, better bring lots of skin sanitizer with you.   
 

* * *

**Aquaman** –  Oceanus Eleven, Elwë, Neptune, Poseidon, Triton, Nereus

An award-winning parent plant, it requires special soil minerals from Cuiviénen and Tol Eressëa and vigilant Ossë Liquid Vitamins for it to yield prodigal amounts of blooms.  

As veteran growers of Eldarin plants, you may know very well by know that _Fëanaro BlackHorny_ is very, very, very choosy of who is "acceptable" and who is not.   You can plant _Aquaman_ near _Fëanaro BlackHorny_ but you must ensure not to burn anything made of wood in front of the two plants as this may cause the BlackHorny to go on " _Plantslaying_ " mode. You should also take the additional precaution of not watching any movies that have images of boats, ships, submarines, rafts, etc. within sight of the garden.  **You have been warned.**   

**Little Mermaid** – Silver Swan, Eärwën, Grace Kelly, Ursula Andres, Brigitte Bardot, Madonna, Britney, Odile/Odette

It is a low-maintenance but extremely pretty plant that can be paired with a Finarfin to produce the delightful Finarfinapsida family.   It also adores lots of shiny garden pebbles and pearlesque garden lights. 

**Telerin Stock Flowers** – Collateral Damage, Hapless Bystanders, Random Hostage, The Chorus Line

They appear uncannily similar to " _Noldor Tithe_ " and " _Invisible Vanyar_ " stock flowers.  The only way to distinguish them is by scent:  Telerin stock smell like aquarium water, Noldor Tithe smell like firewood or forge smoke, and Invisible Vanyar smell like smog.  

* * *

**Practical uses for Home and Health:**   

The leaves and faded flowers of Telerinapsida plants are burned in incense jars and "inhaled".  The vapors are believed to endow courage (not necessarily talent) to aspiring pop singers.   All karaoke bars along Alqualondë harbor have baskets of these leaves available for patrons. 

According to a survey conducted by the renowned **_Oromë's Institute of Animal Linguistics,_** pickled Telerin plants are considered very tasty by most species of fish except for Great White Sharks who prefer fresh _**Eruhini-brand**_ meat.    

**Aquaman**

Bouquets of Aquaman are usually given to first-runners-up of beauty pageants. The root of the word "Aquaman" was said to mean "default".   You can pair Aquaman with the marine varieties of Mary Sue Wildflowers (or weeds) to produce Little Mermaid.

**Little Mermaid**

Other than reproducing with Finarfin and looking pretty, there are no other practical uses for this flower. 

**Telerin Stock Flowers**

These blooms are commonly used for Plantslaying contests and for filling gaps and small spaces.  They also make very thoughtful gifts for annoying in-laws, etc.  You better think twice if your sweetheart gives you a bouquet of these blooms.  


	7. The Gondolinapsida

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another very irreverent and heretical look at my favorite Silmarillion elves in terms of their "horticultural" potential. Has very strong sexual innuendo and adult language. You have been warned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We will combine the planting instructions/precautions with the 'practical uses for home and health' since this sub-division has only two main functions or uses:

**Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!**

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda.

The Gondolinapsida is a sub-classification of Fingolfinapsida. For the most part, the Gondolinapsida species are reclusive by nature; hence, they require a special micro-climate to thrive. They have a wide variety of color, texture, and structure including 'unusual' properties.

As mentioned in _Chapter Two_ , this sub-division is the most fussy of all the Fingolfinapsida. It is planted from seedlings and watered with the saltiest seawater you can find. Next, you need to uproot it, ever so gently (or not) then transferred to it's own enclosed, fenced-in "micro-climate". You may also include generic Sindarin, Nandorin or even Avarin cultivars in this rarefied environment.

Place the plants on a raised, stony bed and enclose in a fence with small "gates" and lots of towers. Please refer to our Garden Décor department if you want to purchase these garden props.

**Scientific Name**  
Kingdom: Noble Noldorin  
Division: Sub-division of Fingolfinapsida  
Class: Gondolinapsida  
Order: Xenophobium  
Family: WildOatsClub

**Common Names:  
** Bachelor Club, Boy Band of the Musical Stone, Cloistered Choirboys,

**Trivia:**  
A popular cheerleading position/formation was named "Gondolin Glow Grow Go" in honor of this plant group.

Note: We will combine the planting instructions/precautions with the 'practical uses for home and health' since this sub-division has only two main functions or uses:  
1\. looking pretty AND  
2\. pollinating female plants.

**Anti-Social** \-- Smart Ass (obscure Avarin for 'wise'), Turukáno, Turgon, Safe Secret, Hide-Go-Seek, Shy Ondolindë, Earendil's Grandpa

Anti-Social should be planted at the very center of the enclosed area to serve the role of 'decorative centerpiece'. It has the tendency for overly attached to the places it is used to so it might get 'homesick' if you have to transfer to another house.

The flowers are usually in white, gold and red in peculiar shapes of circles, crescents and hearts.

(For the rest of the details about Anti-Social, please refer to Chapter 2 – Fingolfinapsida)

**Glorfindina** – Trek King, Balrog's Bane-Blond, Spotlight Shinesome, Golden Showers, Gold Member, Celandine, (also erroneously marketed as "Fëanáro BlondHorny")

Glorfindina produces radiantly glowing golden flowers This beautiful bloom is usually paired with feathery Asfaloth ferns which compliment its shiny golden hue. Do not plant in tropical climates or under direct sunlight because it might wilt. A notable exception to this rule would be body heat which the Glorfindina positively basks in!

Glorfindina is very tolerant of any type of plot although many growers seem to prefer planting it in Fanon/Smut plots. In fact, this plant is very popular for threesome, four-some or even five-some floral arrangements with Mary Sue wildflowers (or weeds). It is also used as slash partners for other Eldarin 'male' plants—the possibilities are virtually endless!

Warning: Do not plant an Arwen Peredhel plant beside a Glorfindina as the latter has the tendency to 'steal' the attention meant for the former. Remember that Glorfindina will wither quickly if left unadorned and unattended. If or once this happens, treat Glorfindina immediately with Námo Pump That Body soil minerals and get rid of the Arwen Peredhel for Valar's sake!

**Echtelionya** – TrekMuse, Balrog's Bane-Black, Splash, Fountain Fury, Flute Fetish, Pied Piper, The Plumber

Echtelionya produces long, bright and pale flowers and has long, upright and tumescent stalks. Landscape artists prefer to plant this along large, ornate fountains and even the edges of pools so that swimmers can hold on to the firm stalks to prevent drowning.

It is a common misconception, primarily because of old wives' (or old husbands') tales, that Echtelionya is an effective rodent repellant. This is positively not true as the name "Pied Piper" actually refers to its elongated tumescent blooms that resemble pipes.

**Sharpie** – Stalker Cousin, Maeglin, Lomion, Nan Elmoth Heir, Sharp Glance

Stalker Cousin is quite similar to the Fëanaro BlackHorny in that you have to be very, very, very careful on where to place it in your garden and what you should plant near it. In this case, do not plant in close proximity with most Eldarin plants (especially young nursery-level ones like Earendil), most mortal plants, and heck, just plant this one alone for goodness' sake!

Please take note that Sharpie's eye-catching sable flowers draw the inordinate attention of female moles 'in estrus'. Hence, some enterprising merchants market this as an aphrodisiac. Do not plant this beside a Tuor or face the terrible consequences.

Sharpie was featured in the geek-fest comedy movie: "The Mean Median and the Mole".

**Salgantee-hee** – Harpy, Fawny Eyes, Tubby, Bambi, Wormtail

This horizontally-challenged specimen is available in a wide selection of plus, plus sizes. It has strong, but vehemently unrequited affection for the Sharpie (see above). If you want Salgantee-hee to thrive, place a life-sized picture of the Sharpie beside it and notice how much it adores and fawns over the Sharpie. In plant nursery studies, Salgantee-hee will even attempt to have the 'picture Sharpie' to pollinate its orifices.

Do not plant this alongside the "Idril" (Other names: Itarille Celebrindal, Blond Luthien, Silver Pedicure) as Salgantee-hee considers the female plant as a rival.

**Arc de Triomphe** – Egalmoth, Heavenly Arching

Reputed to be worth its weight in gold, this plant produces shimmering, jewel-toned flowers and a curiously well-endowed but bent stalk. Not that we are complaining. In fact, the arching stalk is a sought-after feature for our lascivious growers and breeders.

In the Eldarin language of flowers, when a male gives you a large bouquet of Arc de Triomphe and asks you to marry him, you'd better think twice—it may mean that he can't afford a real engagement ring.

**Tuor** – Mortal Sin, Other Filthy Human (First Filthy Human is Beren)

Produces silver armor blooms with wing protrusions that the "Idril" female plant seems to prefer for pollination purposes. Together, these two produce the Eärendil, the plant used to decorate air vessels. Tuor is sometimes used with Sharpie in slash/two-some floral arrangements.

**Penlodh** – Gnome-Gro, Sky-High, Polevault, Maypole

An ornamental plant used to adorn pillars, towers, lighthouses, strip tease poles, electric poles, flag poles, basketball rings, you get the picture. It can thrive in freezing Helcaraxë temperatures.

**Rogald McDonald** – Enerdhil, Fastfood Guru, Hot Hammer of Luv, Smithsonian, Anvil of Desire, Hot Leather Aprons

Ornamentals that produce plenty of red, gold and black floral varieties that thrive in mines, caves, deep gloomy places.

**Humpty Dumpty** – Duilin, Swallow Tails, Bowmen, Humpty Dumpty

Humpty Dumpty is a favorite birdfood. It produces white, dark blue, purple or black flowers that resemble a fan of feathers and are used to decorate walls, ruins and vacant lots. Be sure to provide ample safety harness to prevent the plant from falling down from the wall.

**Galdorina** – Iron Maidens

Produces green blooms with iron-studded clubs or with slings which are a hit with BSDM variety Mary Sue Wildflowers (or weeds).


	8. Nandorapsida & Galadhrimapsida

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another very irreverent and heretical look at my favorite Silmarillion elves in terms of their "horticultural" potential. Has very strong sexual innuendo and adult language. You have been warned.

_**Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!**_    

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda.  

The **Nandorapsida** are considered "bare essentials" or "nudist" plants.  The broad leaves of this plant were reputedly used to cover tumescent appendages of primitive Quendi during the Great Journey.  

The **Galadhrimapsida** are tree climbing cultivars that boast of monstrous girths.  They also have thick, ring-like calluses on their bases which are reputed to intensify the plant's regenerative capacity.  

Both of these classes are extremely unfriendly to Naugrim shrubs, especially _His Arrogance._

**Scientific Name**  
Kingdom:  Rural Telerin  
Division:  Tawarwaith  
Class:  Nandorapsida and Galadhrimapsida  
Order:   Mojo Maximo  
Family:   Jealosium (means 'green-eyed monster' in obscure Avarin)

_Other Names:  
_ Tree-huggers, Bukkake, Gangbang, Circle Jerk, Sandwich or BigMac, The Shockers, Spit Roast, Rainbow Party  
    
_Trivia:_     
Nandorapsida are used as the official emblems of the Nudist Federation of Arda.  Galadhrimapsida blooms featured prominently in the risqué painting " _The Swing_ ".

* * *

**Brazilian Bikini** – Denethor, Lenwë's Boy, Sally Hansen, Lambskin

Do not plant in areas that are easily accessible to your pets, especially for species that are particularly hairy.

**His Arrogance** – Craig Parker, Haldir, McDreamy Warden, Binka's Fling, Malinorne's Fantasy, Fancrone (or Fangirl) Fetish

His Arrogance thrives in _Fanon_ (or movie-verse) and _Canon_ (or book-verse) plots.  For Fanon, it produces platinum blond flowers with a kitsch-looking maroon cape. For Canon plots it grows insipid dark brown blooms.   

Canon-grown Haldirs are very predictable and serve as useful adornments for mallorn trees.  Several botanical tests prove that using ' _Peter Jackson Brand'_ or ' _New Line'_ soil supplements" for Canon-grown Haldirs is extremely harmful and even  fatal.  Do not plant with Naugrim shrubs as Haldirs have the tendency to pass toxic gas fumes that instantly suffocate the unsuspecting Naugrims.  Do not plant along deepening walls.

For better results, gardeners tending this plant in Fanon plots should be attired with a red velvet blindfold and latex body paint. Cracking a whip in front of the plant also helps to 'tone down' its legendary arrogance.  

**McSteamy Warden** – Orophin, Tarzan, Pompoir, Flute player, Burmese Bells  
            and   
**McSaucy Warden** – Rumil, George of the Jungle, Kegels, Ben Wa Balls(an obscure Avarin term)

McSteamy and McSaucy are 'brother' species of _His Arrogance_.   They thrive in Canon plots but growers have discovered that planting them in Fanon plots greatly enhances their appeal.  They also grow well in high altitudes and are mostly used to decorate tree houses, especially mallorns.

These plants are extremely territorial like the _Sindarapsida_ and must not be planted along deepening walls for they will wilt instantly.   Playing dramatic instrumental music around this plant also causes it to wilt. 

**Amroth & Nimrodel** – Romeo & Juliet, Jack & Rose, Antony & Cleo, Silverloders

This is another maudlin pair of flowers celebrated in song and verse as a symbol for star-crossed lovers. These plants are unusual in that they are highly hydrophobic.  Be careful not to plant them near any body of water (including aquariums, swimming pools or outdoor showers).  Come watering time, just sprinkle drops of water on the plants with your hands.  If you have a whole garden of these plants, we assure you that it will take you at least a yeni to water each one of them. 

**Never You Mind** \- Sue Storm, Mithrellas, Invisible Woman, Imrazor's Love, The Handmaiden (not to be confused with the bloom _'Evermind'_ )

This legendary plant disappears and then 'returns' in a different place at random intervals.  This phenomenon is considered as one of the greatest unsolved Eldarin mysteries.  That is why you have an Imrazor pollinate it immediately before it reaches its "fading" phase.  Or better yet, do not expose to sea or salt water as this triggers the "fading" phase.

* * *

**Other Practical uses for Home and Health:**   

**Brazilian Bikini**

The sap from this plant is a very effective depilatory cream that is very popular with Beornings.   Use utmost discretion and common sense when handling the flowers.

**His Arrogance**

Fanon-grown Haldirs are frequently used in orgy-a-thon floral arrangements with Mary Sue Wildflowers (or weeds), including intra-species and inter-species hyper-erotic slash. Examples would be "TreebeardxHis Arrogance", "ThorondirxHis Arrogance", "LegolasxHis Arrogance". Florists also favor this studly plant for making elaborate daisy chains.

**McSteamy Warden & McSaucy Warden**

McSteamy and McSaucy are frequently used in daisy chains with Mary Sue wildflowers.  Bacchalantes use the blooms as wreaths for their hair.  

**Amroth & Nimrodel**

Lovelorn over-age bachelorettes usually insert the petals in-between pages of romantic bodice-ripper novels as the fumes from the petals are said to induce pleasurable and euphoric sensations similar in effect to chocolate.  Overdoses can lead to decreased libido. 

**Never You Mind**

Never You Mind is usually paired with Imrazor male plants to produce Dol Amroth stock blooms.   


	9. The Avarinapsida

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another very irreverent and heretical look at my favorite Silmarillion elves in terms of their "horticultural" potential. Has very strong sexual innuendo and adult language. You have been warned.

**_Welcome to the Eldarin Horticultural Society!_**    

We are pleased to welcome you to our promiscuously fertile organization of plot makers and growers from all regions of Arda.  

The **Avarinapsida** is an obscure but highly-prolific family that produces the richest variety of plants—virtually all sorts of shapes, sizes and colors!  Most cultivated Eldarin plants today started out growing in the wild until they were 'domesticated' by breeders and growers.  

All Eldarin plants can trace their roots to Avarinapsida, which first thrived in Cuiviénen soil (for First-borns) and Hildórien soil (for Second-borns).  

**Scientific Name**  
Kingdom:  Moriquendi   
Division:  Tatyar and Nelyar  
Class:  Avarinapsida  
Order:  Power failure  
Family:  (Polite) Nothanksum;  (Vulgar)  No-no-no 

**Other Names:**     
Original Characters (male or female), Gary Stu or Mary Sue (derogatory), wildflowers or weeds, Proto-plants, filler/stock plants.  In Japan, these are also called 'Magic girls' (or boys).  
    
**Examples:  
** _OFC/Mary Sue/Femme Fatale (female)_ – Luthien Tinuviel, Helen of Troy, Sita of Ramayana, Bond girls, Wonder Woman, Catwoman, Lara Croft 

_OMC/Gary Stu (male)_ – Beren Erchamion, Hercules, Theseus, Perseus, James Bond, Superman, Batman, Blofeld, Dr. No, Lex Luthor

Avarinapsida thrive in any type of plot although some ultra-canon growers shun Avarinapsida in their precious plots. More growers recognize the inherent beauty and value that these varieties have that can be highly-flattering to canon-grown Eldarin plants.   Many Avarinapsida can even outshine Eldarin plants and preside on their own plots.  

Avarinapsida are usually subject to several _Litmus_ tests that abound in gardening centers.  

**Trivia:**   

Relics of Avarinapsida plants have been found in the most ancient civilizations all over Arda, the most prominent of which include are the Mesopotamians, the Greeks (and later the Romans), the Nordic races, the Meso-Americans, the Chinese and the Hindus.    Avarinapsida have also taken center stage in ancient works of literature like the Iliad, the Odyssey, Ramayana, Mahabharata, Kalevala, fairy tales, and legends.   

Modern popular fiction is also replete with Avarinapsida ranging from the most mundane to the most fantastical forms, including superheroes, supermodels, aliens, celebrities, etc.

* * *

The Eldarin Horticultural Society has the following sub-classifications of Avarinapsida: 

**(Class A) Tolkien variety** – these are not wildflowers per se but for purposes of classification all other Eldarin plants with no specific class are included here.  Ultra Canon-growers prefer this variety. 

> **Eöl –** McGalvorn, Knight of the Starry Pool, The Librarian's Bestfriend, Shhhh!
> 
> This plant has an unnatural affinity for black metallic objects so you have to take care on where you leave your gardening implements.  If and when these implements do disappear, just dig a few feet near the Eöl's roots and viola! (if only real-life burglaries were that easy to solve.)
> 
> Female gardeners will get excellent results if they wear white and/or silver garments while tending this plant as this will get Eöl " _in the mood"_ faster, thereby facilitating the pollination process.  Male gardeners can wear a thick, dwarf-like beard and hairy shoulder pelts to get the same results.  It also helps to keep absolutely quiet while you are watering or fertilizing this plant as it shuns any type of noise, which is why it is favored by librarians.
> 
> Of all the male Eldarin plants, Eöl is the only one willing to pollinate female Naugrim shrubs as long as it is near a starry pool.  It also tolerates "slash" pairings with almost any male Eldarin plant except the **Fëanáro BlackHorny** (which is consistently antagonistic to everything anyway, so _no surprises_ there), although some hobbyists use the plants for vicious _frottage fights_ or _stamen-length_ competitions. 
> 
> **Sharpie** – Maeglin, Stalker Cousin, Lomion, Sharp Glance  
>  (See entry under _Gondolinapsida, Chapter 7_ )
> 
> **The Pill** – Saeros, Tea Dregs, Anti-Biotic, Alcohol
> 
> The Pill harbors inordinate dislike for hairy mortal shrubs like _Doctor Doom_ or _Beren Erchamion_ so you must keep them away from each other at all costs.  It is highly attracted to _Elwë Enchanted_ , which in turn mistakes often The Pill for a _Melian_ , resulting in an unintentional "slash" pairing. 
> 
> You must wear a finely-woven hairnet when working with The Pill as it is highly-allergic to hair.  
> 
> **The Grim Brothers** \- Nurwë and Morwë, Wachowsky Brothers
> 
> These plants are highly unsociable and the blooms are quite grim-looking which is why it is mostly used for funerals, cremations or as gifts for annoying mothers-in-law.  It was rumored (by Noldorin botanists no doubt) that these plants were the ancestors of _Orc brambles_ but this has not been proven.  

**(Class B) Pandemonium variety -** are well-developed, highly-defined, best-of-class wildflowers.  A consistent winner in gardening shows like the _**MEFAs**_. It takes much skill and lots of practice on the part of the growers to produce Class B's.    The flowers of this variety are very showy, spotty and resemble foxgloves, delphiniums and lupines.  They are therapeutic in low doses and toxic in high doses.  You have been warned.   

> **Sámaril** (male) - 3G or gorgeous Greek god
> 
> Well-equipped with Noldo-sized stamens, Sámaril is always ready for pollination!  This variety inherently favors 'mortal' female plants. At first it may seem standoffish or even cold towards said female plants, but, given time and some push in the right direction, Sámaril will deliver!   It also performs "surrogate" father-plant functions to Peredhel sprouts like _Valandilium_.  
> 
> **Mélamírë** (female) - The Jinn
> 
> Mélamírë is a hardy female variety that has been successfully propagated in the Far East despite its solid Western pedigree.  It's formal, almost stately-looking appearance hides its more passionate, hothouse character. Artisans like to capture its beauty in intricate brooches and dress pins.  
> 
> Both are highly-susceptible to "Sauron BlackSpot" but using a _Doc Bushwell brand_ premium pesticide will solve the problem in no time.

**(Class C) Stock or Filler variety**   - Most mythological heroes (ancient and modern) fall under this category. Specimens range from the most annoyingly perfect and/or dull to the most fantastical varieties that exceed the Canon characters in power and pedigree.

> **Beren Erchamion** (male) – Gary Stu, Austin Powers, Chesthair, One-hand, Brad Pitt, Magic Boy
> 
> Beren was first cultivated by the obscure _Lossoth of Forochel_.   The Lossoth are said to prize  it above all others to the point of using it as currency.   Beren's hairy stems are used as chest wigs.  
> 
> **Luthien Tinuviel**   (female)  - Mary Sue, Snow White, Suthien, Angelina Jolie, Magic Girl
> 
> This impossibly beautiful, magical, and extremely perfect plant always attracts a large number of cute and cuddly woodland creatures which is why _falling bird poop_ is a real hazard when you have this plant in your garden. Do not plant near _Hasty Riser_ or _Daddy's Favorite_ plants (of the Fëanarapsida class) for these always attempt to uproot the Luthien.    

**(Class D) Pin-ups** – Considered the lowest in terms of quality but the highest in terms of commercial value.  It is the most reviled or envied for different reasons and is the most susceptible to flaming pestilence.  Amateur growers usually prefer this class in their initial forays into Eldarin gardening.  

> **Bond, James Bond** (male) – Connery 60's, Moore 70's/80's, Who's Lazenby, Dalton Two, Brosnan Squee, Craig Now, Magnificent Seven II 
> 
> This male pin-up is always ultra-suave even under the most brutal pressure plus it always manages to charm all the female plants, save Olvar-kind in Arda and all of this well under two hours!  
> 
> Highly-profitable for product endorsements.  
> 
> **Bond Girls** (female) – Pussy Galore, Honey Ryder, May Day, Octopussy, Plenty O'Toole, Vesper Lynd, Mary Goodnight, Xenia Onatopp, Baywatch girls
> 
> These eye candies always look gorgeous 24/7 (regardless of storms, mud or dehydration), are perfectly symmetrical and always larger-than-life usually fulfill the role of main lust interest for most male (and sometimes female) Eldarin plants.  
> 
> Their curvaceous anatomies and its natural and insatiable liking for pollination make it perfect bed partners for the Magnificent Seven of the Fëanarapsida class, who will pollinate anything within reach of their stamens.
> 
> 'Mutant' varieties of pin-ups often grow an extra stamen (for male) or a third mammary gland (for females) with prolonged exposure to Fanon plots.  


End file.
